The ACL Saga Continues.

July 30th I tripped and fell (long story short).... hyper-extended my left knee (I mean ALL the way.... the WRONG way....) and tore my ACL. It's a near complete if not complete tear. (No way to tell for sure unless they go in and do surgery.)

Fast forward to August 10th, my first visit with the Orthopedist. Yep, definitely an ACL tear. Discuss options, no need for surgery at this point. Maybe in the future, but people can lead relatively normal lives without surgery unless they are an athlete. I have orders for one month of Physical Therapy, 3 times a week. Okay. I'll do my best. Projected length of recovery, 6 MONTHS. (They are kidding, right? I'm one of the most stubborn and competitive people I know. I will be feeling better in NO time!)

I am by NO means an athlete. Not even close. But I am active. I jog. I walk. I used to do Zumba. I play with my kids. I walk in my backyard, which happens to have very steep and rocky hills. I am extremely tough on myself, and challenge my limits constantly. (Remember, I'm going to be the BEST patient.... that doesn't cry and wince in pain.... and I'm gonna rock everyone's socks off.... and I'm going to be up and walking my 3-5 miles a day in NO time!)

So I go to my first PT session, and am taking everything in stride. Yes, it hurts, but I have a smile on my face because I CAN DO THIS. I'll show those doctors!

One week later, at PT, I'm breaking down in tears. Sobbing. It hurts. I'm not progressing as fast as I'd like. I hurt when I walk. The pressure in my knee is unbearable at times. Those dang heel slides and hamstring curls are killers. I can't do them. I mean, I *physically* can't do them. It's like my leg hit a wall, and it will NOT bend any farther.

My first knee-angle measurement was 79 degrees. That was on day 1 of PT. Now I'm up to 108 by myself, 114 if someone is pushing my leg. So I'm getting there. SLOWLY. (In my opinion.)

I went back for my second Ortho appointment today. I went in armed with what I wanted and needed for my doctor to say. I wanted to go ahead and schedule surgery. My knee has given out twice already from just ordinary movements (like I buckle down and nearly fall), and when I'm walking, it's like I'm trying to balance a bowling ball (my knee) on top of a golf tee (my lower leg) and an upside down golf tee (upper leg). The only thing aiding the bowling ball from falling off the tees are two giant rubber bands, one of which is near complete or completely torn. So it's a struggle to walk without wobble. Major wobble. I want to schedule surgery so I know I have a date set and that things will start (all over) getting better from that date. That I will be back to normal by.....whatever date. I also want a mobile brace so that I can start walking/jogging again without fear of twisting my knee. I know they make them with small rods to prevent side to side wobble, but still allow your knee to bend.

Well, NOTHING went the way I wanted it to go. NOTHING. Remember, I was going to lick this 6 month recovery and be done in like, 1 month. I was going to be up and going... and back to MY life within 6 weeks. Tomorrow makes 6 weeks since the accident. I still am not able to walk long (read:around the block) distances, which I wanted to do. But I thought if I had a brace, I'd be able to start tomorrow, and that will in turn help my knee progress even faster. I need that brace so I'm able to not have the constant fear of stepping wrong, or stepping on a random pebble, making me unbalanced, and then falling. (Yes, it's that easy to fall now.) I asked him for a brace. He said he'd get me one. He also prescribed a new medicine for me that isn't OTC, but stronger than ibuprofen, and not a narcotic. (Yay!!!) Oh... I forgot that part. The pain. You see, now that the swelling has decreased, I'm beginning to constantly feel the PAIN from the injury and the residual damage. It's not fun.

So then we talk surgery. He says "you are doing remarkably well, better than most who are 6 weeks post accident. I'm thrilled with your progress. If this continues, you won't need surgery at all. I really feel that with more PT, your muscles will continue to get stronger." Ok, gulp, that's great. I don't want surgery. But I want my life back. I want to not be concerned with every step I take. I want to not worry about someone bumping into me. I want to walk around the block. I want to jog. I want to ride a bike. I want to play with my kids. I want to be NORMAL again. I don't want to ice my knee after a short period of exercise. I want to not worry about it. You know, like I didn't worry about it 7 weeks ago. I just DID it. I want to be normal again.

So I have another follow up in November, and from that point, I guess we'll see how far I've come. Whether or not to do surgery. I just want to be back to normal.

The brace he gave me didn't do what I wanted it to do. So I didn't keep it. I guess I'll just bite the bullet, move S-L-O-W-L-Y and steadily.

So no brace. No surgery (yet). No walking. No dancing. It's not what I wanted to hear. But it's pretty remarkable that I've come as far as I have in this short amount of time. So not what I wanted to hear, it is what I needed to hear. I'm not even two months (1/3 into it) on board with the healing process and I'm ready to move on. I move at warp speed. Well, I used to. I'm kind of mad, but trying REALLY hard not to be. This 6 month recovery is no joke. They showed me!

Faith.

2 Corinthians 5:7. "For we live by faith, not by sight."

This scripture is one that I find myself constantly repeating. When dealing with "little" things, when dealing with "bigger" things, when worried about upcoming decisions that I have no control over, (Even typing that makes me think "WHY am I worried? I can't do anything about it." it's all just frustrating.) I have to hand it over to God. Hand it over to the person who knows what is best in the long run.

After all, it's His will that brought us into this situation, and I have to say He knew the best way. He knows what He's doing. He is the one who knows how it will all work out, and I need to have faith that it will work out. I know it will, because He is in charge.

But don't think for a second I'm not trying to figure it out on my own. Even if His way is not the "best" way "I" think it should happen, it IS the best way for the situation. I need to take a few steps back and hand it over.

It's hard.

I know it wouldn't be if I had complete faith.

So I will end with this. I DO have faith. He knows best. His best and my preference might not be what I think is best for the current situation, but ultimately, HE does know best.

I also know He understands that being a landlord is not easy. I am ready for this title I've had for the last 2 years to be removed from my resume. It will happen, when He is ready for me to walk that path. It will come in due time.

Swimming.

See those beauties in the pool? ONE week ago, I couldn't get B in the water without him holding on to something for dear life, or without floaties.... and I couldn't get E to let go of the side of the pool. Look at them! This is after 5 days of lessons, and I am MORE than impressed. I'm so proud of both of my babies! There were several moments where I was nearly crying because I was so proud. They did such an amazing job. They even went off the diving board for the 1st time today! AND NO FLOATIES!!!!!

We came home from lessons, and went to a neighbor's house for 2 more hours of swimming....where they continued the quest for their new found passion of jumping off the edge over and over and over and over. What a beautiful, relaxing, wonderful summer evening.

I am one proud momma, and not as much of a nervous wreck when they are playing in a pool. At least I know they have some skills! No worries, I won't let them go unsupervised (maybe ever...lol) but I'm a bit more relaxed knowing the KNOW how to get their faces in the water and get to the edge. Wow.

Water park, here we come!

Neighbors.

I've had good neighbors my entire adult life. Some have been quiet, some have been like grandparents, all have been helpful, and ALL have made an impact on my life. Especially my current neighbors. As I was walking home from a quick walk with a friend, it was getting dark. There is tall grass on either side of the road, (livin' in the couuuuuuuuuuuuuuuntry!) and a pond set back off the road, but not too far back. My lovely current neighbor was telling me the other day of a very large snake, that wouldn't die after being run over 4 times, and an alligator snapping turtle the size of a dinosaur (just kidding) that came out of that pond. At night. In the summer. Let's just say I didn't see either of those nasty types, but did go into convulsions when a large bug hit me in the lips. I walked (okay, almost ran) the remainder of the way home with my shirt over my mouth and nose so I wouldn't accidentally eat a bug. I kept thinking a snake was going to get me... then (another) neighbor's dog didn't recognize me in the dark... even when I talked to him... then I thought I was going to get attacked by the darn dog.... and the snake, and the turtle, and the giant flying bug.... then I did the most wonderful thing. I opened the front door, stepped in, closed it (you know, so those huge dinosaur bugs wouldn't come into my territory) and took a deep breath. HOME ALIVE! #I'mstillnotevenclosetoacountrygirl. #andyesIknowhashtagsdon'tworkhere.

Happiness.

Just giving you all out there in virtual land a big hello and all is well here! I'll be posting in the next few weeks, but not yet. Must go clean a closet. Life of a momma! :)

Perspective.

Do you ever feel like you don't deserve to whine? That you don't deserve to complain about anything? Do you ever realize that you are so incredibly blessed to live the way you live, have the health you have, have all of your needs taken care of, and be who you are? My answer? I do. To all of them. I often lose sight of how blessed I am when all I want to do is complain. But I'm to the point that when I *think* the complaint in my head, before it ever floats out of my mouth, I stop and tell myself to shut it. I look around and do a reality check. I thank God for my life as it is, even if it isn't always the way *I* think it should go. I can't do anything about the things I can't change, but I can change the way I react to life's little ups and downs.

My fight with Depression is an extremely hard mental battle to fight. Although it is under control right now, choosing my reactions on a daily basis is the first step to "soaring" or "spiraling." EVERY single decision has such an impact on the way my mind works, I often times have to take the easy road to avoid the plunge. Even though that is often the road I don't want to take. I like a challenge. I like "doing" lots of things to keep me busy. But I also like my perspective a lot more when I'm healthy and happy than when I'm overwhelmed and anxious.

Overwhelmed.

Yes. I am. Now family and close friends if you are reading this, I'm managing just fine. But I'm so completely overwhelmed that I know my anxiety is staring me down. I can feel it's breath on my face. I've gone "back to work" (kind of). I'm a permanent sub until Christmas, filling in for a friend who just had a baby. She teaches Special Ed Resource, definitely not my forté, as I was a classroom teacher....but I am where I need to be, selfishly anyway. I love being a teacher. Love it. However, I feel that putting my 4 year old in daycare is shorting him, because of course I was home with his older sister...who is now in first grade... I feel like I've let him down. (Truthfully, he loves his teacher and the environment he's in. It's really the best place for him. It justs breaks my heart when he wants a mommy and Ben day.... and we can't have one right then and there.) Did I mention I *love* being in the school setting though? Around other women? It's so nice...even though I occasionally have to dodge a bite or three from one of my students....I am cut out to be in the classroom.

So we are also trying to buy a house...and sell ours. On top of going back to work... we have an accepted offer on our super close to perfect dream house, contingent on selling our house. But there is a time frame. I'm stressed.

Oh...and DD broke out in hives for (still) some unknown reason .. and a week later the scratched spots make her look like she got in a clawing match with someone. DS got a mosquito bite on his ear, which swelled to twice it's normal size...he's flirting with a fever, I don't know how I'm going to get done what I need done tomorrow if I need to stay home with him.... I'm just stressed.

Stupid, huh?

We are healthy, blessed individuals who have a safe and great spot to live now. My children are healthy. Priorities are in order, but I'm feeling guilty.....

I hope this is normal for moms to feel this way. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed this down in writing.