Perspective.

Do you ever feel like you don't deserve to whine? That you don't deserve to complain about anything? Do you ever realize that you are so incredibly blessed to live the way you live, have the health you have, have all of your needs taken care of, and be who you are? My answer? I do. To all of them. I often lose sight of how blessed I am when all I want to do is complain. But I'm to the point that when I *think* the complaint in my head, before it ever floats out of my mouth, I stop and tell myself to shut it. I look around and do a reality check. I thank God for my life as it is, even if it isn't always the way *I* think it should go. I can't do anything about the things I can't change, but I can change the way I react to life's little ups and downs.

My fight with Depression is an extremely hard mental battle to fight. Although it is under control right now, choosing my reactions on a daily basis is the first step to "soaring" or "spiraling." EVERY single decision has such an impact on the way my mind works, I often times have to take the easy road to avoid the plunge. Even though that is often the road I don't want to take. I like a challenge. I like "doing" lots of things to keep me busy. But I also like my perspective a lot more when I'm healthy and happy than when I'm overwhelmed and anxious.

Overwhelmed.

Yes. I am. Now family and close friends if you are reading this, I'm managing just fine. But I'm so completely overwhelmed that I know my anxiety is staring me down. I can feel it's breath on my face. I've gone "back to work" (kind of). I'm a permanent sub until Christmas, filling in for a friend who just had a baby. She teaches Special Ed Resource, definitely not my forté, as I was a classroom teacher....but I am where I need to be, selfishly anyway. I love being a teacher. Love it. However, I feel that putting my 4 year old in daycare is shorting him, because of course I was home with his older sister...who is now in first grade... I feel like I've let him down. (Truthfully, he loves his teacher and the environment he's in. It's really the best place for him. It justs breaks my heart when he wants a mommy and Ben day.... and we can't have one right then and there.) Did I mention I *love* being in the school setting though? Around other women? It's so nice...even though I occasionally have to dodge a bite or three from one of my students....I am cut out to be in the classroom.

So we are also trying to buy a house...and sell ours. On top of going back to work... we have an accepted offer on our super close to perfect dream house, contingent on selling our house. But there is a time frame. I'm stressed.

Oh...and DD broke out in hives for (still) some unknown reason .. and a week later the scratched spots make her look like she got in a clawing match with someone. DS got a mosquito bite on his ear, which swelled to twice it's normal size...he's flirting with a fever, I don't know how I'm going to get done what I need done tomorrow if I need to stay home with him.... I'm just stressed.

Stupid, huh?

We are healthy, blessed individuals who have a safe and great spot to live now. My children are healthy. Priorities are in order, but I'm feeling guilty.....

I hope this is normal for moms to feel this way. Thanks for letting me vent. I needed this down in writing.

Discouraged.

I want to run. I want to get healthy. I want to have that time to myself to think, or maybe even *not* think. I know that most effort is not easy. I know that I should not give up. I'm not giving up. I'm pounding the pavement slowly, but surely. It is HARD. Especially when I am such a determined, routine-loving, driven, and stubborn person. I want my family to get healthier. I am trying, but meeting serious resistance. I'm also trying to get my family MOVING more. Again, it is hard. But I'm trying. I'm really REALLY trying. I'm just so discouraged. I'm leaning toward the "NO EXCUSES" approach, as I'm the "all or nothing" type. I've always had the "black and white" mentality, never fully accepting the shades of grey as being OK. But I'm learning to accept those shades as perfectly alright. Sorta. I still made myself get out and jog this morning, because it was ONLY 92 degrees. For as intelligent as I am, that was one of the DUMBEST decisions I've made. Forgetting to factor in the humidity, and the blazing sun, which made the temperature SEEM like 150 degrees. (NOAA said it actually felt like 100.) I think I actually cried some tears during the run, or maybe that was just sweat. I'm not sure. But I felt like crying. It was miserable. I only was out there for 26 minutes, jogging 16 minutes, walking 10. But I made it. I completed c25k w5d2. I'm more than halfway through the program. When I got inside, I cried for real. For two reasons. One, what a dumb decision it was to run right then, and two, because I was so proud of myself for not giving up. Even though I wanted to. Seriously though, the fact that I completed the run outweighs the negatives.

I don't know if anyone will even read this. But whatever. I feel better for writing the words.

Finished my first "Community College" class! Lol!

*May 2000, graduated with my Bachelor's Degree.
*December 2002, graduated with my Master's Degree.
*May 2010, my teaching license went "inactive" because I wasn't currently teaching.
*April 2012 I decided I'm ready to reactivate it.

Do you know what is involved with getting my license reactivated? Here's the short of it.

Call Missouri. All I have to do is "complete a 2-3 hour college course that pertains to the degree."
((OK))
Call Arkansas. Have to have "Arkansas History and a current license OR have Arkansas History and retake the Praxis I and II." ((WHAT THE WHAT??? I **HAVE** my original Praxis scores in my files...))

So I enroll in the local community college (they wanted my High School transcript and ACT scores. I laughed, thinking I'd never find them. But guess what? After 15 years and 8 moves, I DID FIND THEM! Thanks, OCD!), take Arkansas History online, finish the 8 week course in a matter of 24 days (yay, me!), get my Transcript printed with my 100.18% A for Arkansas History, (I missed ONE point in the entire course, but ended up with 5 bonus points!) prepare to mail it to Missouri, along with my fingerprints in REAL ink for Missouri's database, even though I already have them digitally scanned in the NATIONAL FBI database, but whatever.

So I mail all the necessary stuff to Missouri, and wait for those precious ACTIVE pieces of paper to arrive at my house.

Then I will take those active pieces of paper, another community college transcript proving I took the AR History course, and all the necessary stuff up to Little Rock and hand deliver them to the man in charge. (Who happens to be friends with my father in law, so I can do that.) ((Thanks, Freddie! ;-) ))

Then I'm sure I'll need to wait a few weeks, and then, THEN I will have my perfectly active, precious pieces of paper in my pretty little hands..... so I can wait for the perfect teaching position to open up!

((And teach alliteration to my students once again.))

Note to self: Don't let your license go inactive again. Stay on top of it every 5 years for the renewal!

You know, even though this reactivation process has been a hurry up and wait, sometimes superbly frustrating, let's see if I can find it, mountain of paperwork process, I'm loving it. I love a challenge, and the organization it takes to get exactly what I'm looking for!

I'll post pics of the precious pieces of paper when they arrive. :)

The Power of Pinterest

Sponge balls. Took awhile to make them, but wow. They were "water balloons," grenades, and best of all, cleaning devices! The kid wash, aka the sprinkler, is also an idea from Pinterest! We are having a great summer! Good mixture of coming, going, playing and relaxing. :-)
PS, E and K had friends over. I didn't pick up two more kids.

Poly Deco WHAT?

OH my goodness. There is this craft stuff. Stuff that is amazingly fun to work with. At first reminded me of that orange fencing that construction workers use to block areas off.... except, well, it's not that orange, and the grid of the "mesh" isn't large... like the fence stuff. But still.... oh my. Now I went nutso (in a classy way) with it this past Christmas. I mean I had fun! I made wreaths, door swags, more wreaths, more wreaths.. more wreaths....you get the picture. Now I'll actually show you my pictures. ;-)

Summer, Day One.

10:00 AM, day one of summer vacation. K says "I have a problem. I don't know what to do." Meanwhile E is already working on the leftover pages in her math book, and K has obviously decided to play with B because I hear "mommy! He won't give me the Squinkie I want!" Ok. So plans must be made so I can keep my sanity this summer. So what do we do? Wash the van, of course! (Note to self, plan to "WASH the van WEDNESDAY....") Then they wanted to jump on the trampoline to "dry off" after our spontaneous water fight.... which led to soaping up the neighbor's trampoline and having a slippery good time. They are currently surfing on the trampoline as I blog from my phone. Life is good!

Grainy Pictures

I've noticed the last couple of posts have very grainy pictures. I took and uploaded these pictures from my phone. Sorry!

I'm so proud of myself!!

I painted this. I didn't copy someone else's project. I did it!! I came up with the painting based on a curtain at Target. I am grinning ear to ear!!
This is for E's teacher, who is having her first baby next month. :-) Go ME!!!